Transmission #1
[ RECOVERED MESSAGE THREAD ]
ARCHIVE TAG: FIRST CONTACT / EARTH DISTRIBUTION
STATUS: PARTIALLY CORRUPTED
...
10:47 AM PST
UNKNOWN NUMBER:
Want some coffee?
...
10:53 AM PST
ME:
Who is this?
...
10:56 AM PST
UNKNOWN NUMBER:
sorry…
wrong contact…
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10:57 AM PST
UNKNOWN NUMBER:
actually no wait not wrong contact…
sorry…
please hold…
...
11:02 AM PST
UNKNOWN NUMBER:
Okay…
Hello Cara Luhring of Earth…
I have been instructed to continue communication…
My name is ███ and I am currently an onboarding intern with the Galactic Bean Alliance Distribution Division….
This is my first independent assignment….
...
11:03 AM PST
ME:
What?
...
11:05 AM PST
UNKNOWN NUMBER:
understandable response…
one moment…
...
11:08 AM PST
UNKNOWN NUMBER:
Your planet recently entered preliminary distribution review following the arrival of relay body 3I/ATLAS within your solar system…*indistinguishable*…
During cultural indexing procedures your digital presence appeared repeatedly across multiple coffee-related searches…
Initially this was flagged as a system error…
It was not a system error…
...
11:10 AM PST
UNKNOWN NUMBER:
You satisfied several required compatibility markers including: sustained caffeine enthusiasm, recognizable independent branding, stable audience trust, low corporate affiliation, repeated late-night activity cycles and lastly, acceptable levels of humor…*static increase* resilience…
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11:12 AM PST
ME:
I don’t sell coffee though.
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11:14 AM PST
UNKNOWN NUMBER:
Correct…
You were selected despite lacking a proprietary roast…
Supervision considered this promising…
You possess what the Authority describes as: “pre-existing distributor energy.”…
I do not know what this means…
...
11:16 AM PST
UNKNOWN NUMBER:
Several established Earth…coffee companies were reviewed…previously but failed preliminary compatibility….assessments due to: excessive optimization…branding aggression, hostile executive behavior, and/or insufficient coziness metrics…
Your records instead demonstrated: curiosity…adaptability…atmospheric consistency…and emotional exhaustion without complete system collapse…
This scored unusually high…
...
11:19 AM PST
UNKNOWN NUMBER:
Pending onboarding approval…you are being considered for provisional status…as FIRST EARTH DISTRIBUTOR…for the Galactic Bean Alliance…
Congratulations…
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11:20 AM PST
ME:
Okay clearly this is either a scam or some sort of performance art.
...
11:23 AM PST
UNKNOWN NUMBER:
we anticipated this response…
current probability model was 92%…
...
11:24 AM PST
UNKNOWN NUMBER:
Additional onboarding materials…should arrive shortly assuming…solar conditions remain favorable…and orbital interference… stays below…critical levels…
There may be delays associated with…satellite congestion…atmospheric soot accumulation…lunar routing restrictions…Artemis mission traffic
...
11:25 AM PST
ME:
Lunar routing?
...
11:25 AM PST
UNKNOWN NUMBER:
please disregard…lunar reference…
that information…was not cleared…for first contact disclosure…
my bad…
...
11:27 AM PST
UNKNOWN NUMBER:
Also…my supervisor says…opening with… “Want some coffee?” was…“deeply unprofessional.”…
In my defense…it statistically performed very well during simulations…
...
11:29 AM PST
[ ATTACHMENT FAILED TO LOAD ]
filename:
EARTH101_DISTRIBUTOR_WELCOME_PACKET_v3_FINAL.pdf
...
11:31 AM PST
UNKNOWN NUMBER:
Please standby for official transmission…
And again congratulations…
I think…
[ CONNECTION LOST ]
