Transmission #2
INCOMING TRANSMISSION
SOURCE: Galactic Brewing Authority
RELAY ORIGIN: 3I/ATLAS
EARTH RECIPIENT: CLC-EARTH-01
SIGNAL STATUS: UNSTABLE
[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]
…Cara…?
Cara Luhring of Earth, this transmission serves as formal notification that your lunar onboarding clearance has been reinstated following temporary suspension caused by Artemis-related orbital interference and associated relay congestion within Earth’s upper communication corridors.
The situation has now stabilized sufficiently for travel.
Relatively speaking.
As the FIRST AUTHORIZED EARTH DISTRIBUTOR selected by the Galactic Brewing Authority following the arrival of relay body 3I/ATLAS within your solar system, your certification process must still be conducted off-world due to ongoing satellite interference surrounding Earth.
Unfortunately your species has placed an alarming quantity of machinery in orbit.
Several of your satellites continue attempting to intercept Authority communications despite lacking clearance to process interstellar beverage frequencies.
This has complicated onboarding.
Training will therefore proceed on the lunar surface as originally scheduled prior to Artemis mission interruptions.
You are expected to report during the next viable transport window occurring shortly after:
███
███
…local moonrise conditions permitting.
Do not arrive early.
Do not arrive late.
Temporal synchronization remains delicate near the relay corridor.
You will complete the following required onboarding modules:
Foundational Galactic Brewing Standards
Interplanetary Distribution Compliance
Vacuum Brew Stabilization
Cross-Species Hospitality Expectations
Solar Interference Mitigation
Emergency Response During Communications Collapse
Additional elective modules may become available pending psychological compatibility assessments and caffeine resilience testing.
You are advised to bring:
one approved drinking vessel
layered clothing
writing materials
proof of Earth citizenship
moderate emotional stability
Please do NOT bring:
citrus products
reflective metals
unauthorized dairy substitutes
recording devices manufactured before 1994
Previous attempts to transmit these requirements resulted in:
███
…partial corruption…
…apologies…
Due to ongoing solar instability surrounding Earth and increased interference caused by recent flare activity, portions of your itinerary may appear incomplete, duplicated, or chronologically inconsistent.
This is expected.
If you receive:
duplicate messages
instructions before transmission
notifications referencing events which have not yet occurred
Please continue normal onboarding procedures.
Your courier packet containing lunar transit credentials and temporary Authority clearance should arrive within:
███ hours
or
███ days
Delivery estimates remain difficult near Earth.
One final advisory:
The relay body your astronomers identified as “3I/ATLAS” remains active and continues broadcasting beneath detectable civilian thresholds.
Your acceptance of this position established first-stage beverage relations between Earth and the Galactic Brewing Authority.
No pressure has been assigned to this responsibility.
Officially.
…Cara…
We look forward to meeting you in person assuming:
weather conditions remain favorable
the corridor holds
the moon stays where it is supposed to
Please standby for further instructions.
[SIGNAL INTERRUPTION]
[SOLAR NOISE INCREASING]
[TRANSMISSION PARTIALLY LOST]
[END FILE]
Transmission #1
[ RECOVERED MESSAGE THREAD ]
ARCHIVE TAG: FIRST CONTACT / EARTH DISTRIBUTION
STATUS: PARTIALLY CORRUPTED
...
10:47 AM PST
UNKNOWN NUMBER:
Want some coffee?
...
10:53 AM PST
ME:
Who is this?
...
10:56 AM PST
UNKNOWN NUMBER:
sorry…
wrong contact…
...
10:57 AM PST
UNKNOWN NUMBER:
actually no wait not wrong contact…
sorry…
please hold…
...
11:02 AM PST
UNKNOWN NUMBER:
Okay…
Hello Cara Luhring of Earth…
I have been instructed to continue communication…
My name is ███ and I am currently an onboarding intern with the Galactic Bean Alliance Distribution Division….
This is my first independent assignment….
...
11:03 AM PST
ME:
What?
...
11:05 AM PST
UNKNOWN NUMBER:
understandable response…
one moment…
...
11:08 AM PST
UNKNOWN NUMBER:
Your planet recently entered preliminary distribution review following the arrival of relay body 3I/ATLAS within your solar system…*indistinguishable*…
During cultural indexing procedures your digital presence appeared repeatedly across multiple coffee-related searches…
Initially this was flagged as a system error…
It was not a system error…
...
11:10 AM PST
UNKNOWN NUMBER:
You satisfied several required compatibility markers including: sustained caffeine enthusiasm, recognizable independent branding, stable audience trust, low corporate affiliation, repeated late-night activity cycles and lastly, acceptable levels of humor…*static increase* resilience…
...
11:12 AM PST
ME:
I don’t sell coffee though.
...
11:14 AM PST
UNKNOWN NUMBER:
Correct…
You were selected despite lacking a proprietary roast…
Supervision considered this promising…
You possess what the Authority describes as: “pre-existing distributor energy.”…
I do not know what this means…
...
11:16 AM PST
UNKNOWN NUMBER:
Several established Earth…coffee companies were reviewed…previously but failed preliminary compatibility….assessments due to: excessive optimization…branding aggression, hostile executive behavior, and/or insufficient coziness metrics…
Your records instead demonstrated: curiosity…adaptability…atmospheric consistency…and emotional exhaustion without complete system collapse…
This scored unusually high…
...
11:19 AM PST
UNKNOWN NUMBER:
Pending onboarding approval…you are being considered for provisional status…as FIRST EARTH DISTRIBUTOR…for the Galactic Bean Alliance…
Congratulations…
...
11:20 AM PST
ME:
Okay clearly this is either a scam or some sort of performance art.
...
11:23 AM PST
UNKNOWN NUMBER:
we anticipated this response…
current probability model was 92%…
...
11:24 AM PST
UNKNOWN NUMBER:
Additional onboarding materials…should arrive shortly assuming…solar conditions remain favorable…and orbital interference… stays below…critical levels…
There may be delays associated with…satellite congestion…atmospheric soot accumulation…lunar routing restrictions…Artemis mission traffic
...
11:25 AM PST
ME:
Lunar routing?
...
11:25 AM PST
UNKNOWN NUMBER:
please disregard…lunar reference…
that information…was not cleared…for first contact disclosure…
my bad…
...
11:27 AM PST
UNKNOWN NUMBER:
Also…my supervisor says…opening with… “Want some coffee?” was…“deeply unprofessional.”…
In my defense…it statistically performed very well during simulations…
...
11:29 AM PST
[ ATTACHMENT FAILED TO LOAD ]
filename:
EARTH101_DISTRIBUTOR_WELCOME_PACKET_v3_FINAL.pdf
...
11:31 AM PST
UNKNOWN NUMBER:
Please standby for official transmission…
And again congratulations…
I think…
[ CONNECTION LOST ]