Transmission #5
Classification: Authorized Personnel Only
Transmission ID: GBA-EARTH-0726-041
Status: OFFICIAL NOTICE
TO: Earth Representative Cara Luhring
FROM: Galactic Bean Alliance Central Operations
SUBJECT: Lunar Training Completion & Logistics Update
Congratulations.
Your mandatory Lunar Orientation and Initial Training Program has been successfully completed.
Your attendance has been recorded. Your evaluations have been processed. Several incident reports have been quietly archived in accordance with longstanding administrative tradition.
While certain operational details remain classified under Intergalactic Trade Protection Protocols, Central Operations is satisfied that you have demonstrated the curiosity, resilience, observational aptitude, and caffeine compatibility expected of an Earth Representative.
We are pleased to officially welcome you into the Galactic Bean Alliance family.
Personnel Accommodation Notice
Central Operations acknowledges that your assigned Administrative Communications Interface (commonly referred to as The Clipboard) may have displayed… enthusiastic behavior during your orientation period.
While its conversational priorities occasionally diverge from mission objectives, its operational record remains technically within acceptable parameters.
We recognize that productive collaboration between the two of you may require a brief adjustment period.
We remain fully confident that, given sufficient exposure, persistence, mutual tolerance, and several liters of quality coffee, an efficient working relationship will eventually develop.
Probably.
Planetary Review Status
The pending logistical review of Planet Earth has now concluded.
We are pleased to report that Earth has been approved for inclusion within the Galactic Bean Alliance Logistics Chain.
Official planetary registration paperwork is currently proceeding through the customary administrative channels.
Please allow approximately 2–17 standard bureaucratic cycles for processing, depending upon interdepartmental filing velocities.
Shipment Update
Preparations for your inaugural GBA coffee allocation are underway.
Your first shipment is expected to arrive at the Lunar Distribution Facility shortly for final inspection, customs clearance, dimensional verification, and routine anomaly screening.
Tracking information will be transmitted to you immediately upon availability.
Please refrain from attempting to track the shipment psychically.
It confuses Logistics.
Earth has waited a remarkably long time for official representation.
We appreciate your willingness to serve despite incomplete information, unusual coworkers, improbable paperwork, and the continued presence of entities that refuse to identify themselves as cats.
Welcome aboard, Representative.
The Universe has become marginally more caffeinated because of you.
Stay observant. Report anomalies.
END OF TRANSMISSION
Transmission #3
INCOMING TRANSMISSION // GBA INTERNAL RELAY
GALACTIC BEAN ALLIANCE
Civilian Distributor Onboarding Division
Transmission Integrity: 43%
Signal Delay: 18m 42s
Solar Interference: ACTIVE
Reference ID: GBA-LT/77-ALPHA-COFFEE-REDACTED
///// TRANSMISSION /////
To: [EARTH DISTRIBUTOR // PENDING]
From: LUNAR TRANSIT AUTHORITY
CC: ███████████████████
CC: coffee
CC: Department of Atmospheric Compliance
Your onboarding request has been reviewed and
██████████████████████████████████
STATUS: APPROVED
Please do not be alarmed by the following symptoms prior to departure:
- mild temporal displacement
- recurring dreams involving elevators
- hearing distant radio static in household plumbing
- coffee
- phantom gravity sensations
- inability to remember where you placed your keys
These are considered acceptable parameters.
███████████████████████████████████████████
███████████████████████████████████████████
Trip Duration:
[ RECOVERED ] → 3 DAYS
Estimated lunar exposure:
██ hours ███ minutes
You will not require prior astronaut experience.
You will not require prior astronaut experience.
You will not require prior astronaut experience.
Please disregard conflicting information from terrestrial media sources.
██████████████████████████████████████
██████████████████████████████████████
██████████ coffee ████████████████████
The training habitat remains within acceptable
structural tolerances following the Incident.
Do NOT interact with:
- maintenance tunnels
- unmarked hatches
- reflective surfaces after 02:00 station time
- the disembodied voices
- coffee dispensers labeled "ARCHIVE"
██████████████████████████████████████
PERSONAL LUGGAGE ALLOWANCE:
30 lbs MAXIMUM
Exceeding this limit may result in:
[DATA EXPUNGED]
[DATA EXPUNGED]
additional paperwork
Carry-on dimensions must conform to
Transit Cylinder Specifications Revision ██.
REMINDER:
ABSOLUTELY NO CITRUS OF ANY KIND PERMITTED.
This includes but is not limited to:
- oranges
- lemons
- limes
- grapefruit
- powdered citrus derivatives
- novelty citrus stickers
- synthetic citrus fragrance compounds
- "just a little bottled lemon juice for my water"
Previous incidents have delayed operations significantly.
█████████████████████████████████
█████████████████████████████████
Failure to comply may result in quarantine,
containment, or extremely awkward paperwork.
coffee
[ AUTO-TRANSLATION CONFIDENCE: 21% ]
Arrival procedures remain classified under
LUNAR ENTRY ACCORD 7.
You may experience:
- missing time
- duplicated memories
- mild nosebleeds
- the sensation of being observed by large machinery
- coffee
- déjà vu involving hallways you have never visited
DO NOT FREAK OUT.
Most travelers adjust within ███ hours.
If approached by personnel claiming to be
from the "Original Moon," notify your
assigned handler immediately.
██████████████████████████████████
̴̨̛̳̺͗█̵͓̋̋█̶̛̍ͅ█̴̦͒̈́█̴̖͆█̶̬͐̚█̵̡̑█̴̬̿
██ coffee ██
███ ████████████
██ SIGNAL LOST ██
You have been selected because of your
compatibility scores, adaptability, and
documented enthusiasm regarding coffee.
Further details will be provided ONLY
when operationally necessary.
Please remain available for future transmissions.
Do not discuss lunar onboarding procedures with:
- government agencies
- commercial airlines
- podcast hosts
- anyone named Gary
- animals behaving unusually
[END OF TRANSMISSION]
Transmission #2
INCOMING TRANSMISSION
SOURCE: Galactic Brewing Authority
RELAY ORIGIN: 3I/ATLAS
EARTH RECIPIENT: CLC-EARTH-01
SIGNAL STATUS: UNSTABLE
[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]
…Cara…?
Cara Luhring of Earth, this transmission serves as formal notification that your lunar onboarding clearance has been reinstated following temporary suspension caused by Artemis-related orbital interference and associated relay congestion within Earth’s upper communication corridors.
The situation has now stabilized sufficiently for travel.
Relatively speaking.
As the FIRST AUTHORIZED EARTH DISTRIBUTOR selected by the Galactic Brewing Authority following the arrival of relay body 3I/ATLAS within your solar system, your certification process must still be conducted off-world due to ongoing satellite interference surrounding Earth.
Unfortunately your species has placed an alarming quantity of machinery in orbit.
Several of your satellites continue attempting to intercept Authority communications despite lacking clearance to process interstellar beverage frequencies.
This has complicated onboarding.
Training will therefore proceed on the lunar surface as originally scheduled prior to Artemis mission interruptions.
You are expected to report during the next viable transport window occurring shortly after:
███
███
…local moonrise conditions permitting.
Do not arrive early.
Do not arrive late.
Temporal synchronization remains delicate near the relay corridor.
You will complete the following required onboarding modules:
Foundational Galactic Brewing Standards
Interplanetary Distribution Compliance
Vacuum Brew Stabilization
Cross-Species Hospitality Expectations
Solar Interference Mitigation
Emergency Response During Communications Collapse
Additional elective modules may become available pending psychological compatibility assessments and caffeine resilience testing.
You are advised to bring:
one approved drinking vessel
layered clothing
writing materials
proof of Earth citizenship
moderate emotional stability
Please do NOT bring:
citrus products
reflective metals
unauthorized dairy substitutes
recording devices manufactured before 1994
Previous attempts to transmit these requirements resulted in:
███
…partial corruption…
…apologies…
Due to ongoing solar instability surrounding Earth and increased interference caused by recent flare activity, portions of your itinerary may appear incomplete, duplicated, or chronologically inconsistent.
This is expected.
If you receive:
duplicate messages
instructions before transmission
notifications referencing events which have not yet occurred
Please continue normal onboarding procedures.
Your courier packet containing lunar transit credentials and temporary Authority clearance should arrive within:
███ hours
or
███ days
Delivery estimates remain difficult near Earth.
One final advisory:
The relay body your astronomers identified as “3I/ATLAS” remains active and continues broadcasting beneath detectable civilian thresholds.
Your acceptance of this position established first-stage beverage relations between Earth and the Galactic Brewing Authority.
No pressure has been assigned to this responsibility.
Officially.
…Cara…
We look forward to meeting you in person assuming:
weather conditions remain favorable
the corridor holds
the moon stays where it is supposed to
Please standby for further instructions.
[SIGNAL INTERRUPTION]
[SOLAR NOISE INCREASING]
[TRANSMISSION PARTIALLY LOST]
[END FILE]
Transmission #1
[ RECOVERED MESSAGE THREAD ]
ARCHIVE TAG: FIRST CONTACT / EARTH DISTRIBUTION
STATUS: PARTIALLY CORRUPTED
...
10:47 AM PST
UNKNOWN NUMBER:
Want some coffee?
...
10:53 AM PST
ME:
Who is this?
...
10:56 AM PST
UNKNOWN NUMBER:
sorry…
wrong contact…
...
10:57 AM PST
UNKNOWN NUMBER:
actually no wait not wrong contact…
sorry…
please hold…
...
11:02 AM PST
UNKNOWN NUMBER:
Okay…
Hello Cara Luhring of Earth…
I have been instructed to continue communication…
My name is ███ and I am currently an onboarding intern with the Galactic Bean Alliance Distribution Division….
This is my first independent assignment….
...
11:03 AM PST
ME:
What?
...
11:05 AM PST
UNKNOWN NUMBER:
understandable response…
one moment…
...
11:08 AM PST
UNKNOWN NUMBER:
Your planet recently entered preliminary distribution review following the arrival of relay body 3I/ATLAS within your solar system…*indistinguishable*…
During cultural indexing procedures your digital presence appeared repeatedly across multiple coffee-related searches…
Initially this was flagged as a system error…
It was not a system error…
...
11:10 AM PST
UNKNOWN NUMBER:
You satisfied several required compatibility markers including: sustained caffeine enthusiasm, recognizable independent branding, stable audience trust, low corporate affiliation, repeated late-night activity cycles and lastly, acceptable levels of humor…*static increase* resilience…
...
11:12 AM PST
ME:
I don’t sell coffee though.
...
11:14 AM PST
UNKNOWN NUMBER:
Correct…
You were selected despite lacking a proprietary roast…
Supervision considered this promising…
You possess what the Authority describes as: “pre-existing distributor energy.”…
I do not know what this means…
...
11:16 AM PST
UNKNOWN NUMBER:
Several established Earth…coffee companies were reviewed…previously but failed preliminary compatibility….assessments due to: excessive optimization…branding aggression, hostile executive behavior, and/or insufficient coziness metrics…
Your records instead demonstrated: curiosity…adaptability…atmospheric consistency…and emotional exhaustion without complete system collapse…
This scored unusually high…
...
11:19 AM PST
UNKNOWN NUMBER:
Pending onboarding approval…you are being considered for provisional status…as FIRST EARTH DISTRIBUTOR…for the Galactic Bean Alliance…
Congratulations…
...
11:20 AM PST
ME:
Okay clearly this is either a scam or some sort of performance art.
...
11:23 AM PST
UNKNOWN NUMBER:
we anticipated this response…
current probability model was 92%…
...
11:24 AM PST
UNKNOWN NUMBER:
Additional onboarding materials…should arrive shortly assuming…solar conditions remain favorable…and orbital interference… stays below…critical levels…
There may be delays associated with…satellite congestion…atmospheric soot accumulation…lunar routing restrictions…Artemis mission traffic
...
11:25 AM PST
ME:
Lunar routing?
...
11:25 AM PST
UNKNOWN NUMBER:
please disregard…lunar reference…
that information…was not cleared…for first contact disclosure…
my bad…
...
11:27 AM PST
UNKNOWN NUMBER:
Also…my supervisor says…opening with… “Want some coffee?” was…“deeply unprofessional.”…
In my defense…it statistically performed very well during simulations…
...
11:29 AM PST
[ ATTACHMENT FAILED TO LOAD ]
filename:
EARTH101_DISTRIBUTOR_WELCOME_PACKET_v3_FINAL.pdf
...
11:31 AM PST
UNKNOWN NUMBER:
Please standby for official transmission…
And again congratulations…
I think…
[ CONNECTION LOST ]