Transmission #3
INCOMING TRANSMISSION // GBA INTERNAL RELAY
GALACTIC BEAN ALLIANCE
Civilian Distributor Onboarding Division
Transmission Integrity: 43%
Signal Delay: 18m 42s
Solar Interference: ACTIVE
Reference ID: GBA-LT/77-ALPHA-COFFEE-REDACTED
///// TRANSMISSION /////
To: [EARTH DISTRIBUTOR // PENDING]
From: LUNAR TRANSIT AUTHORITY
CC: ███████████████████
CC: coffee
CC: Department of Atmospheric Compliance
Your onboarding request has been reviewed and
██████████████████████████████████
STATUS: APPROVED
Please do not be alarmed by the following symptoms prior to departure:
- mild temporal displacement
- recurring dreams involving elevators
- hearing distant radio static in household plumbing
- coffee
- phantom gravity sensations
- inability to remember where you placed your keys
These are considered acceptable parameters.
███████████████████████████████████████████
███████████████████████████████████████████
Trip Duration:
[ RECOVERED ] → 3 DAYS
Estimated lunar exposure:
██ hours ███ minutes
You will not require prior astronaut experience.
You will not require prior astronaut experience.
You will not require prior astronaut experience.
Please disregard conflicting information from terrestrial media sources.
██████████████████████████████████████
██████████████████████████████████████
██████████ coffee ████████████████████
The training habitat remains within acceptable
structural tolerances following the Incident.
Do NOT interact with:
- maintenance tunnels
- unmarked hatches
- reflective surfaces after 02:00 station time
- the disembodied voices
- coffee dispensers labeled "ARCHIVE"
██████████████████████████████████████
PERSONAL LUGGAGE ALLOWANCE:
30 lbs MAXIMUM
Exceeding this limit may result in:
[DATA EXPUNGED]
[DATA EXPUNGED]
additional paperwork
Carry-on dimensions must conform to
Transit Cylinder Specifications Revision ██.
REMINDER:
ABSOLUTELY NO CITRUS OF ANY KIND PERMITTED.
This includes but is not limited to:
- oranges
- lemons
- limes
- grapefruit
- powdered citrus derivatives
- novelty citrus stickers
- synthetic citrus fragrance compounds
- "just a little bottled lemon juice for my water"
Previous incidents have delayed operations significantly.
█████████████████████████████████
█████████████████████████████████
Failure to comply may result in quarantine,
containment, or extremely awkward paperwork.
coffee
[ AUTO-TRANSLATION CONFIDENCE: 21% ]
Arrival procedures remain classified under
LUNAR ENTRY ACCORD 7.
You may experience:
- missing time
- duplicated memories
- mild nosebleeds
- the sensation of being observed by large machinery
- coffee
- déjà vu involving hallways you have never visited
DO NOT FREAK OUT.
Most travelers adjust within ███ hours.
If approached by personnel claiming to be
from the "Original Moon," notify your
assigned handler immediately.
██████████████████████████████████
̴̨̛̳̺͗█̵͓̋̋█̶̛̍ͅ█̴̦͒̈́█̴̖͆█̶̬͐̚█̵̡̑█̴̬̿
██ coffee ██
███ ████████████
██ SIGNAL LOST ██
You have been selected because of your
compatibility scores, adaptability, and
documented enthusiasm regarding coffee.
Further details will be provided ONLY
when operationally necessary.
Please remain available for future transmissions.
Do not discuss lunar onboarding procedures with:
- government agencies
- commercial airlines
- podcast hosts
- anyone named Gary
- animals behaving unusually
[END OF TRANSMISSION]
